Families can deal with loss so differently and this was evident when Sam and Graham lost Scarlett unexpectedly at 39 weeks just before Christmas 2009.
“When I went into labour at 39 weeks I wasn’t concerned as my eldest Sydney (now 19) was 4 days early. On arrival at the hospital, they couldn’t find a heartbeat and Scarlett was stillborn later that evening. It turned out that she had a knot in her cord that had pulled tight causing her to be starved of oxygen, probably as she moved into position for her arrival, as I had felt her move just the day before”. This followed numerous early miscarriages leading up to this stage. “We thought we had finally got our prize but she just got whipped away at the very last hurdle”.
“An amazing bereavement midwife gave me support but she was only looking after my mental health and as it was a maternity unit this didn’t extend to fathers following the loss of a baby. I got help from another charity who were very supportive of the mums, but the dads normally only came to the first meeting and then rarely attended again. The physical loss had happened to the mum, but no one ever asked after the dads, who had also lost a child”.
After arranging a charity event and becoming a Befriender through the charity Sam then went on to retrain as a counsellor in 2015. “This gave me a focus, but Graham didn’t have one. As I began to feel better, Graham started to struggle. He had stayed strong whilst I wasn’t, we took it in turns but he still didn’t reach out and get any help”. The loss of Scarlett came after Graham lost his dad when he was 10 years old and this brought up some unprocessed grief.
“We dealt with our grief very differently, he was quiet and introverted and didn’t want to talk so inside obviously wasn’t feeling great or himself” He hardly went out with friends and when he went out with others in a group, he’d be very quiet and couldn’t open up. I wanted to be able to speak about it and was able to do that with others, but he didn’t want to talk about his feelings which put a strain on our relationship. There is something about men staying strong that is almost built in, but if they stay strong it can appear as if they are fine or don’t care”.
“We were lucky to fall pregnant again 6 months after losing Scarlett and had Harry at 37 weeks, thankfully by caesarean section as he had 2 knots in his cord that could have caused complications if we had gone through natural childbirth again. Whilst this was a positive thing and gave our daughter Sydney the sibling she desperately wanted, it seemed like Graham still hadn’t processed his grief”.
Having served as a reservist in the Territorial Army, Graham had always been interested in people who stayed strong and pushed themselves, like many in the military. So, he regularly watched the SAS Who Dares Wins TV series and followed the ‘Staff’ on social media. Graham mentioned he’d seen a post about this new charity, StrongMen, offering a weekend away for men struggling with loss. “I told him this would be perfect for him”, and after some encouragement, he applied and was accepted to the first event in April 2019.
“Graham was nervous going and nearly turned around, I told him to just try it because I was desperate for him to get some help as he had not been himself for some time by then. He could always come home if it wasn’t his thing, but it turned out to be just what he needed. Like minded men going through different situations but with the common theme of grief. He came home so refreshed having spoken to people that convinced him he wasn’t alone and dealing with it in a ‘blokey’ way”.
“I’m so grateful to StrongMen for giving Graham the support he couldn’t find elsewhere. We grieved differently but that’s ok, everyone has to go down their own path and I have my husband back and the kids have a dad that is present. Whilst he won’t speak about his grief in the same way as me, StrongMen has helped him acknowledge the grief and he’s taken positive steps forward for him”.
“Graham is looking forward to climbing Kilimanjaro in October to raise funding for StrongMen and has since become a volunteer with the charity as a Peer Supporter through Man2Man. This gives him, I think, something to be proud of. To see the change in people after he has supported them helps him to feel he is giving back and contributes to the legacy that Scarlett and others have left behind. Scarlett has had a huge impact on us even though she is not here, and has completely changed us. We are a stronger couple because it proves we can get through anything and we are both thankful to StrongMen for the support he has received which has helped us both “.
